I Know How It Ends

My husband always laughs at me.  Whenever I get a new book, I read the end of it so that I know how it ends.

He can't believe that I would want to wreck a new story by finding out how it all turns out.  It would drive him nutty to know how it ends before he starts.

For me, I feel like I can handle whatever happens  at the beginning and middle, as long as I know how it all turns out. 

I still want all the details.  I love to know all of the little steps and decisions that got them to that outcome.  I just want the peace of knowing the outcome.

My chapters have brought me through many mountains and valleys, and I'd like to think that I have many more to experience.  

And some days, I really question how I'm going to get through this.  I don't know how that last little part of the chapter or story plays out, and it's hard.  It's hard to take the next step when you don't trust your feet.

I don't know who needs to hear this today, but I know how this ends.  I know who wins.  Good will prevail.  It may not be today, but at the very end, where it's important, good wins.  

And for those of us who believe in Him, who believe he took our sins, paid the ultimate price and rose again.  We know the end.  God wins. 

We know that all of these challenges and triumphs will pale in comparison to the prize we have waiting for us.

So friends, as we go about our days, I challenge you to remember that we know the end of the story.  We know that love wins.  And that is really all that you could ever ask for.

Squish the Mom Guilt

I've been spending a lot of time lately in self reflection, trying to figure out how to do it all.  Most of these inspired thoughts come between 1 and 4 AM, as I try to get my non-sleeping 3 year old back to bed.  You know, when you're completely rational and not at all stressed.

I wonder why out of my 3 kids, only 1 has slept through the night before the age of 4. 

I wonder why they all have to be so different that I feel like I have to learn how to parent all over again each time I deal with a different child.

I wonder how to fit in more work.  More housecleaning.  More decluttering.  More fitness.  More quality time.  All of those things that bombard us every day.  More.

And as I've been reflecting on my last 10 years as a wife, and 8 years as a mother, I think I may have tried it all.

And you know what's worked the best?  The one thing that has made my marriage better and my parenting more connected and relaxed?

It's something that is so very easy to push aside in the quest for the ever elusive "enough."

Taking care of me.

With the struggles of marriage, and parenting 3 incredibly diverse personalities, it seems counter-intuitive to think about me.

I realized the other night (early morning), that the times I've been a great spouse and parent all have one thing in common.  That I stop believing I have to sacrifice me to be better for them.

That when I was making the effort to get up early in the morning to exercise, I was benefitting everyone, not just myself.

I had more energy and time to get the grunt work of life done. 

I'm healthier and less like to fall sick to annoying little bugs that make their rounds.

I got to choose when I was waking up rather than always feeling annoyed to be woken up.

I had more day to day stuff done earlier, so I had more quality time to spend with my kids.  They in turn had their tanks filled, and were happier and more secure in general.

And my mental health and fitness level were both improving to the point that I was more comfortable in my own skin, which, as every wife can attest to, makes them feel more confident in pursuing their husbands.

I know I'm not the first one to point this out fellow parents, and I'm likely to fall to old habits at some times too. 

It is so easy to forget to take care of ourselves.  And it's so easy to overlook the benefits to everyone around us when we do take care of ourselves.

Please join me in remembering how happy we are, and in turn how we can pour into those around us, when we actually take the time to take time.

And I promise you, I know that getting up earlier in the morning is detestable to many of us.  That those extra minutes of sleep seem like the very thing you need the most.  And at some stages, you really do.  But maybe you can take a couple weeks to try out doing something for yourself.  Even something that seems really small, but important.

In the Palm of His Hand

After last year, I was pretty shaken.  Weather events had been striking our little area for a few months, and they just weren't getting better.  It started off with winter heading straight in to summer, seeming to forget about spring altogether.

We had roads washing out.  We had creeks overflowing.  A city close to us lost their beloved fire chief to the rushing water.

Then the fires.  Oh be still my heart, the fires.  We didn't have any rain to accumulate, and so the forest floors were beyond dry.  And in came the thunder and lightning.  I have always loved a good thunderstorm.  When I was little, I would go outside and watch the storm build.  Then the lightning could no longer be held in and was unleashed over the lake.  And I'd sit there, counting the seconds until I heard the thunder. 

It kind of felt like the clouds just needed to let everything out so that they could start new.

I LOVED thunderstorms.  For 5 years in a row, when I was 12-17 years old, there was a thunderstorm on my birthday.  They had never caused any devastation in my area, so I had no reason to fear them.

Then the roads washed out.  And the fires struck and grew to unimaginable proportions.

This year is shaping up to be much the same so far.  We went straight from winter (it was still snowing a few weeks ago), straight into summer dryness and temperatures.  We haven't had a good rain since last October.

Roads are washing out.  Creeks and rivers are overflowing.  Peoples lives are being impacted in huge ways.  

And today, they are predicting storms.  I won't lie.  My heart and my head are expecting the worst.  My stress level is rising, imagining a repeat of last year.  My soul hurts to remember the devastation that began 10 short months ago.  I am already trying to prepare for the worst, even though it hasn't happened yet.

And I can feel God whispering, oh so quietly, in my ear, that He has me.  I am safe in the palm of his hand.  That I can see the beauty in the destruction.  I can choose to remember how our entire province, and a neighbouring province pulled together to help us through.  How people who had been affected by the fires in Fort McMurray 2 years ago remembered the pain they went through, and knew what we would need to get through.  How I made friends with some of these men when they answered our prayers.  And how He held all of us in the palm of His hand, both times disaster struck.

I can choose to think that these disasters did devastate, but they built at the same time.  They built our community relationships, they broke down walls.  They forced us to get to know people that we never would have otherwise.  And not just to get to know them, and the others who helped, but to remember what was truly important.  People.  Relationships.  Building memories.  

When I packed up my house last year, preparing to possibly say goodbye to my possessions, I was reminded that the people I share my house with are so much more important than the things I have packed in to it.  That the memory books we've created mean more to all of us, as I wasn't the only one storing away those precious moments.  

I don't know where you are today or what you are struggling with.  I don't know if you are preparing to possibly have your life turned upside down, or things are already all muddled up and confusing.  Maybe you have just climbed out of a pit and don't know which way to head next.  I don't know.  But what I do know is that every struggle has a blessing.  It may be hard to see at the time, but I promise you that it is there.  He is holding you in the palm of his Hand, with plans for your future that you can't even begin to fathom.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for all you have brought in to my life.  I thank you for the family and friends you have given me, and I know that those people are exactly the ones I need right now.  I thank you that I have the chance to prepare for the worst, because not everyone is given that time.  I do not want to take for granted anything that I have been given.  I lift up those who are struggling right now, that you would send them the help that they need.  That they would know that you are there, patiently waiting to show them unshakable love and peace.  In faith I pray.  Amen.

When the Bad Things Happen

Our little town is hockey filled.  The season here just ended actually.   We have everything from the Timbit Teams, which are as young as 4 years old, to the senior hockey teams and puddle hockey teams.  We too have a team in our provincial hockey league, filled with young people so eager to begin their lives.

The kids on our teams contribute to the community, volunteering at events.  They fundraise for their trips.  As they get older, they mentor the younger kids.  And then they go on to adulthood, many of them continuing to contribute to the game and the community that gave them so much growing up.  They coach, they mentor, they volunteer and they put their kids into the same sport that helped to shape their lives.

Our entire country is reeling from the news of a catastrophic accident that happened earlier this month.  I don't know the exact details of how the vehicles managed to collide, and really, that's not the important part.  Lives have been permanently changed.  Or ended.

We can imagine all to easily how it would be for us if we were suffering through this.

There was a hockey team bus, filled mostly with teenagers, some who were graduating this June.  Some of them maybe a year older, maybe a year younger.  All of them teammates.  All of them family to each other. 

There were coaches, an announcer and a young woman there to assure their physical/muscular difficulties would be taken care of.  There were people who were new to the team, and others who had been there for their whole career.

And none of them will ever be the same again.  14 lives were lost of the 29 that were on the bus.  Countless family members and friends had their lives altered the exact moment those vehicles met.  An entire community has been rocked.  And our whole country grieves.

I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through right now.  But do you know what I have seen?  Love.  Tears.  People praying.  Our town, 2 entire provinces over, has a memorial to the victims, both the living and the deceased. 

The majority of us didn't even know there was a hockey team from Humboldt, much less know any of the team members.  That isn't the important part.  The important part is that our hearts are breaking right along with them, simply as human beings.  And when the bad things happen, you want to help.  Even if you can't. 

There are no words that can change what happened.  There is no possible way we can bring them back, or erase the pain that those left behind are facing.  But through our actions, we can show that we care.  That those lives, they matter.  And so we show with our actions, as small as they may seem to be.

We wore our jerseys on Thursday.  I have a little guy with a big heart, but who hates to dress up for things.  Unless there is candy involved anyways.  He didn't want to put his jersey on until I showed him the hundreds of pictures of people all over the world wearing theirs.  I explained that there was no way we could heal their hearts or bring back the loved ones, but if we could do one small thing to show them that they were loved, we needed to do it.  Those lives were important and we had to show them that we knew they were hurting, but those lives mattered.

We hug our loved ones a little bit tighter, grateful that we can.  We think of those around us, realizing how blessed we are to still have them with us.  And we show support to those that need it.  We become the helpers, just like Mr. Rogers used to say.   He is well known for a quote saying that when bad things happened when he was a little boy, his mother used to tell him to look for the helpers.  There are always helpers.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for sacrificing your one and only Son for us, so that we would know you.  I pray that all of those who are lost and hurting right now would feel your presence stronger than they have ever felt it before.  I ask that you would open our eyes to the ways we can help those around us, and to encourage our hearts to want to do those very things.  I pray that we would all begin to slow down and spend more time with people, not working for things.  And I pray that all of those affected by this would be drawn closer to you, even in the hardest moments.  In faith I pray.  Amen.

Facebook Perfect Lives

I started out my morning pretty happy.  I got snuggles from my toddler, my oldest came in to say good morning and get a hug. 

Then my Dude came in and explained to me that he "didn't drop it, there was just too much gravity."  He never did explain to me what exactly he didn't drop...  I suppose I'll find that out later.

We went to work, and then went to get hair cuts, and grab a few groceries.  We visited with a bunch of friends inside, wandered around for awhile, and found our treasures.

All in all, it started out better than any of the other days this week.

On our way out of the store, I saw something that simply broke my heart. 

It was a girl I'd known in high school. You know, those girls that always seemed so picture perfect.  Makeup always flawlessly applied, newest in-style clothes, perpetually surrounded by friends, and always had plans for the weekend.  I haven't seen her very much since high school, and we never did run in the same circles, but it always seemed like she had this fabulous life.

Until today.  And most likely for a long time before today.  I think something tragic happened somewhere between those high school days and what I saw today.

You see, huddled on the curb of the store, her little girl curled into her, sat this woman.  And she was having a pretty intense day.  The man crouched in front of her, right in her face, threatening to her in a low voice, trying to make it seem as though they were just having a conversation.  Except I could see the fear in her eyes, and the way that her hands were nervously  picking at her arms, wanting desperately to be anywhere but where she was, but not able to get out.  And the poor little girl with questions in her eyes that no child should ever have.

It broke my heart.  Actually, it's still breaking my heart.  That she feels like she has nowhere to go.  That this little girl has to question her safety as if its part of her day.  That this barbarian feels that he has a right to do this to them.  And I'm not saying this the woman can't be the aggressor in the relationship.  But that wasn't the case today.  He was the one in her face, making threats, talking about taking away all the money and her car, not letting her get away.  He was the one that wouldn't move when she asked.  He was the one trapping that innocent little girl beside her mother, forcing her to listen to all of this.

I tried to make eye contact with her, at least to let her know that someone was there, but she was looking down at the ground, trying not to make eye contact with anyone.  I moved down the sidewalk a little, with all three of my littles in tow, and pretended that I was waiting for a ride.  Not directly beside them, so that my kids would notice what was going on, but close enough that I could try to help if things escalated.

I didn't want to interrupt them, partially because I had no way of predicting what would happen to my kids if I did, but also because I know what it's like to be her.  And my pretending to help her to make myself feel better may very well work great for me, but she may pay for it later.  And what right do I have to try to make myself feel better, or to make this about me?  That doesn't help anyone.

I wanted to tell her that she is worth so much more than what he has made her to believe.  That her journey doesn't need to end here.  That she is enough, exactly as she is.  That he needs help, they both do, but that she cannot fix him, no matter how hard she tries.

So I stood there, listening to their "conversation", with her saying that she couldn't trust him anymore, that he had hurt her one too many times, that he had no write to hurt her physically, that their daughter wasn't safe with him, and she just couldn't do it anymore.  She would find somewhere to move to.

And I watched person after person walk by.  None of them even looked down at them.  I waited a good 5-10 minutes, shaking in anger and fear for this poor woman and child, and no one else even noticed.  I was getting ready to put my babies in my truck, drive it over to where I could lock them safely in, and then maybe I could do something.  Anything.  I couldn't just stand there and let this woman think that no one would help her.

After awhile, a store manager was walking in to start his shift, and I motioned him over.  He looked at me funny, and was going to keep walking.  I motioned a little bit more convincingly, and he finally came over.  I pointed to where they were, and told him that his store was on the brink of having some major domestic drama unfolding and at last, someone else noticed.  I told him that I had been standing there for quite some time, hearing a lot of threats, swearing, and tears.

He walked over to where they were, and just stood there.  He didn't say anything.  He simply took his phone from his pocket, ready to dial if he needed to.  But I am absolutely positive that if I hadn't drawn his attention to it, he too would have walked right by.  They all walked into the store a minute or two later.  I don't know what happened after that.  I can imagine, but those images will keep me from sleeping tonight.

No one seems to really want to get involved in other people's lives anymore.  We're all scared that something bad is going to happen if we help, so we stand by and do nothing.  I'm not saying that we need to put ourselves or those that we love in the line of fire.  But there has to be someone that lets those who are being abused know that there is help out there.  That someone does care, that they are worth it, their lives are in danger, and there is a way out.  There are people who will help them.

We can sign petitions, we can share Facebook posts about things, but until we actually stand up for what we believe in, and take action, we are nothing but keyboard warriors.  And I don't know about you, but my keyboard doesn't have the power to save those lives.

If you have a friend who is struggling, or you suspect that something is going wrong in their life, stick close.  Help them.  Be available to them.  When you are the victim of abuse, any kind of abuse, you begin to doubt that you are worth saving, or that there are people out there who can save you.  You don't want to put others at risk because you made bad decisions, and if you ask them for help, they may be in physical danger for helping you, so you just don't ask.  You keep waking up each day, wondering if today is finally going to be the day that ends it.  Or if someone is going to notice that those "walls" or "doors" or "stairs" keep leaving you bruised and battered more and more often.  You're terrified to leave, but terrified to stay.

I looked at this woman's Facebook profile when I got home.  And it shows all of these perfect pictures.  Family vacations.  Holidays where everything looks amazing.  She has a photo of her, her husband, and both of their kids cuddled up and smiling. 

She is one of the many that has one of those Facebook perfect lives.  And if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I would have believed she really did have that perfect life she's always seemed to have.

I pray that if you find yourself in a situation that makes you fear for your life, you will have the courage to ask for help.  If you are in a relationship and find yourself turning into someone you can't stand to see in the mirror, I pray you find the courage to ask for help.  If the person you are with is making you feel as if your sanity is disappearing, ask for help.  No relationship should turn people into victims or aggressors.  And no society should turn a blind eye to it.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for loving me, even when I didn't feel very lovable.  I thank you for bringing good people into my life, people who are always there for me, even when things go horribly wrong.  I thank you for my family, even on the imperfect days, the ones where we are like sandpaper, rubbing off those rough spots.  I thank you that my kids were able to be oblivious to the heartache today, that they didn't have to lose that part of their innocence today.  Father, I lift up all of those who are struggling in their relationships.  I pray that you would speak to their hearts, that you would be a presence in their lives.  I ask that hearts would be changed, that anger would be broken, and that wisdom and peace would guide their actions, not insecurity and pride.  I pray that all of those who are fearing for their lives would have an angel show up today, before it's too late.  I pray that those who are called to help, would step out of their comfort zones and say yes to that call.  And most of all, I pray that we could end this cycle, of abuse and of turning a blind eye.  Help us to be people that care. Help us to be people of action. Amen.

Here are some links if you or someone you know needs to reach out:

National Domestic Violence Hotline

The Assaulted Women's Hotline

Crisis Hotlines

Ending Violence Association of Canada

Domestic Abuse Services

Healthlink BC

Government of Canada Abuse Help

I Lost Me

I haven't posted in a long time.  And I could make excuses about being too busy, or life getting in the way.  But if I'm honest, I just couldn't.  I lost me.  Somehow, in the chaos that is my life, I just gave up.  I'm not talking about wanting to give up on life altogether.  

I'm talking about just putting one foot in front of the other until I get to go back to bed.  Shuffling through my own life as if it were this boring TV program, and I just didn't care to watch what happened next anymore.  And the last 18 months have been pretty emotionally stressful, but nothing truly terrible happened, so where did it all go wrong?

I think it just got too easy to focus on the hard.  In today's society, there are bad things happening everywhere.  You don't have to look for them, they are all over the place.  And if you have access to the internet, it seems like there is nowhere to hide to get away from all of the bad.  And so that becomes the head space you live in.  Not only is your own personal life hard, but life everywhere sucks.  Or at least that's what gets to be easy to believe.

But is it really all that bad?

No.

I have a fabulous life.  I just really needed to get back to God.  To get back to seeing that I have 3 beautiful, physically healthy children.  To pray more often.  To focus on what I can do to help, rather than what I can't do in the world.

To realize that even though I feel like I'm failing every single day as a Mom, I was chosen to be their Mom for a reason.  Even if I can't begin to fathom how I am qualified to take these beautiful souls and not mess them up.  My job is to love them, to pray for them, and to do my very best.  The perfect part is up to Him.

My house is always messy.  I have 3 kids under the age of 8, 2 of which I homeschool.  While the other destroys the house.  And I know it won't always be this way.  One day, sooner than I'm ready for, they won't want to play all of the games with me, or have me read them books while they snuggle on a cold winters day.  And I can choose to see the mess, or create the memories.  

I have the opportunity to not only instill the basics of the 3 R's into my kids lives, but I also have the availability to show them how to have those other basics skills not so readily taught nowadays.  How to do laundry.  How to clean a house, plan a healthy menu on the fly, and how real life really looks.  You know, outside of the TV "reality" shows that are loved so much.  I have spoken to 18 year olds at the grocery store that still have their parents doing all of these things for them and have no idea how they'll function once they move out, so they just don't move out.  I love my children, I truly do.  But I do want them to experience life independently, so I can give them the skills to move into adulthood with confidence.

I can look around at the need in my community and feel awful about it.  Or I can step up and do small things to make it better.  I don't have to solve all the problems, and I really can't solve them all.  But I can take a look at my abilities, and use them for the good of others when I have time.  And it's pretty hard to feel sorry for yourself when you're pouring love into the lives of those who need it so much more than you can imagine.

In short, I can find myself by focussing on the "Yes, I can" moments.  I can stop at the end of my day, and write down one good thing that happened today.  And on the days where I just can't pull myself out of the funk, I can look back at the thing's I've written down, and gain inspiration for tomorrow.

I don't know if you're feeling like you just don't know how to do life and like it.  And I'm definitely not saying that if you're feeling like life truly isn't worth living that a trip to the doctor isn't also called for, because sometimes it's simply more than we can change ourselves.  And it's okay if you need to do that.  It's actually an awesome thing if you can, because it shows how brave you are, and that you realize that sometimes the brain needs a little help.  Society has decided that you have to have it all, strive for even more, be perfect, and happy all the time.  And society has it so wrong.  Do what it takes to make you a priority again.  So ask for the help, do what you can, and have faith that it will get better.  

I would love to lift you up in prayer.  Leave me a comment!

Those Little Letters

It has been an emotional month.  My two oldest have finished their school for the year.  My little boy isn't so little anymore.  He aced Kindergarten though, so there's that!

My beautiful big girl rocked Grade 1.  And we (hopefully) have finished all of her testing to determine what letters get to help us help her.  We confirmed what we had felt since February, that our little girl had High Functioning Autism (formerly known as Asperger's).  

If has been difficult not because she has changed.  Those letters make absolutely no difference in how wonderful she is, or in how much she is loved and cherished.  We were fortunate to have a mostly wonderful team of people helping us to figure out the puzzle that is my Sweetie.  And going forward, we will be meeting even more people who are going to help us on our journey of helping her, and us, help her. 

The difficult moments have been mostly mine I think.  I have had to deal with everyone's reaction when we tell them the results.  They have varied from shoulder shrugs, followed

by statements of support.  To some, her diagnosis is merely a stepping stone to a better future.

To others, it's an awful prognosis.  I have gotten looks of pity from some of those closest to me, almost like I've gotten some sort of countdown to her final days.

I've been told I'm wasting my time getting a diagnosis because she is perfect, and it's all in my head.

I've had people assure me that there are "special people trained to deal with kids like her."  Which I know was meant to be a positive comment, but who exactly do they think she is.  Do they really know her?!?

I think the hardest moments I've had are the ones where I realize that this is part of her life story.  This isn't a stage, she isn't just a quirky person.  She is going to struggle with some parts of her life, for, well, the rest of her life.

And then I remember who she is.  And WHOSE she is.  She was created by a loving God.  And He gave me this wonderful gift in her.  Someone who sees the world so differently than I do, that I can't help but try to see the world through her eyes.  She has a loyalty beyond compare.  She loves to cuddle and just spend time with her people.  She values people more than money.  She actually saves all of her allowance to spend on others.  She knows what it feels like to be left out of activities because people don't "get" her, so she is always looking to make sure that everyone is included.

I can choose to look at those little letters as something that will put her at a disadvantage for the rest of her life.  Or I can choose to look at the unique gifts that she was given, and wonder at how she's going to change the world one day.  Because I am certain that she is going to make an impact for others, and there is really no greater gift than someone who strives to invest in others the way she does.

The Bible constantly tells us that we are loved.  That we are here for a purpose.  And that we are to spread the love of Jesus to others, even when they least deserve it.  

I didn't do anything to deserve this precious little soul, but I hope I can at least show her a little of the grace and love that He has shown to me.

Heavenly Father, there are so many people out there who are struggling to find their place in the world.  Who are wondering why you made them the way that you did, or why you've let certain things take place in their life.  Tonight I lift them up to you Lord.  I pray that someone would come into their life and show them Your love.  To let them know that we are all sinners, saved only by Your grace, and that we are all loved equally by an amazing God.  Father, I pray that they would never let their circumstances define them, but instead would turn to you and let Your unconditional love define them.  I pray in faith.  Amen.

Mental Health

I was watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy with my hubby tonight, and it touched on mental health issues.  It's such a difficult subject for so many people.  And unless you've been there and done that, it's one of the most formidable things to try to explain to someone else.

My first husband suffered from depression.  Looking back now, I can see a little more clearly the struggles that he had each and every day. 

We were young when we got together, and I had just gotten out of a tumultuous relationship with a high school boyfriend.   A high school boyfriend who also suffered from mental health issues and it ended with me having to let his mother know that I couldn't do it anymore and that I felt her son was going to need suicide watch.

And in walks this new man, with the best laugh I've ever heard in my life.  I still miss that laugh and that huge smile.  What I would learn over the next couple of years was that smile was hiding a lot of angst.  And worry over the future of everything.  And what felt like the weight of the world on his shoulders.  It was a very challenging relationship, but I was determined to see this one through.  We bought our first house together, discussed children.  I had a ring on my finger that was all we could afford at the time.  And we really worked on making it.  Until we just couldn't do it anymore.   I kept the house since he wanted to go and explore the world.  And he left, just like that.

To say I was devastated was an understatement. 

I spent the next 3 years putting myself back together, learning who I wanted to be outside of a relationship.  I learned how to be truly happy, all by myself.  I found that I could go home at the end of the day by myself, and be content. 

When he returned from his travels, he asked about getting back together.  I had given this a lot of thought and decided that I really didn't want to.  I was actually really happy just being me.  And I wasn't willing to give that up to go back to who I used to be.  I didn't like that girl anymore.

I moved on with my life, meeting my husband, and falling in love with Jesus.  I found a man that loved me, quirks and all, and we had dreams of changing this world together.

He moved on to what we all thought was the perfect girl for him.  They shared all his common interests.  She loved the outdoors.  And they seemed to be really happy. 

Until his Dad walked into my workplace one day. 

He looked like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.  He had just been released from the hospital after a death defying fight with adult mumps, which left half of his face paralyzed, with scabs all over his face and neck. 

And upon being released from the hospital, he found out his son had lost his life-long fight with depression.

He walked up to me and said "He's gone."  Naively, I asked where he had gone.  Had he left on another trip? 

Well, no. 

And my life would never be the same again.  Neither would anyone else who had loved that man at one time or another. 

I managed to keep it together while my ex father-in-law was there, comforting him as best as I could through my own shock.  And then he left and I just fell apart.

All I could think was how could I have left this happen?  How could I have not done something to stop this?  It wasn't rational.  There was no logic to these thoughts.  And to be perfectly honest, I still have days, almost 10 years later, where I wonder if I could have done something differently.  Could I have been his saving grace somehow?

My brain tells me that no, there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. 

My husband doesn't really know what my life was like before him.  Not because he hasn't tried to understand, but because he can't.  It's hard for someone who has never gone through it to understand that your logic becomes a little bit warped as your mind tries to make your world make sense.  And everyone's situation is just that little bit different.  And it's difficult for me to go back to that time.  I survived, and some days, that's all I want to say about it.

I don't know where you are.  I don't know if you've ever walked the lonely rode of depression, certain there was no help for you, that you were just too far gone to be helped.  I don't know if you've had to watch someone you love struggle with every day life, not knowing what to say or do to make things different.  Please, ask for help.  Do not think that you have to do this on your own, but reach out.  There is someone out there that would love nothing more than to help you, if only you would ask.

I know that writing this has been one of the hardest, most exposing things I have ever done.   I pray that it helps someone out there to know that they are not alone in this.  And maybe gives some insight to those on the outside. 

Heavenly Father, I am so grateful that we are never truly alone.  I thank you for picking me up out of that pit and showing me that I could have so much more, if only I could put my faith in you.  I thank you for your patience and grace as you introduced me to the new me.  I lift up all of those who are suffering because of mental illness.  I pray your strength and peace over them Lord, and ask that they feel your love and grace beyond measure.  I pray that they would turn to you as I had to, so that you could make me whole again.  In your name.  Amen.