I'm So Tired

I have been noticing something lately.  I have control issues.

Okay, this may not be such an awe inspiring revelation.  I think most of us have control issues in one way or another.

If you're a Mom, you have to be in control of so many decisions.  So.  Many.  

And it feels like there are always questions to be answered.  

Why is the sky blue?  

How are babies born?  

Why aren't chocolate bars acceptable for breakfast?  That last one way have been me...

It feels like it just won't stop some days.  And I realize that the days are sometimes long, but the years are surprisingly short.

My youngest had her first sleepover at her grandparents the other night, and I felt like crying.  Where did the time go?  How did she get to be so big so fast?  Had I stopped looking or paying attention somehow?

I am with her every single day.  I homeschool, so I get to spend more time with my kids than most of the people I know.  

I was paying attention.  I am paying attention.

I have to find a way to always answer these questions.  Not the easily solved ones, but the parts of my life where I really struggle.  But who do I go to for my questions?

Well, if I were smart, I would put down my control issues and go to the one who has the answers.  All the time.  The one who never tires of us asking.

He desires a relationship with us, we just have to ask.  We have to ask those questions and then we have to do the truly hard part.  We have to wait for the answer, trusting that it is all for our good.

Ohmygoodness.  My heart stops just typing that.  

In order to have rest, soul repairing rest, I have to go to Him.  I have to hand it all over, and I have to trust that He loves me, even more than I love my littles. 

And that every decision he makes it in my best interest, just like I do every day for my babies.  (They will always be my babies in my heart).

He has built the entire universe.  He decided that I was needed here.  And He has plans so much greater than I can ever imagine.  

I was stressing about a situation today, because I don't have any control over how it plays out.  And my husband looked at me, told me to do my best, and to trust that the end is already written.  It doesn't matter if I get it perfect.  The plan has been made, and it will unfold in exactly the way it is meant to.

I don't know what your questions are today, but I know who has the answers.  I know it is so much easier said than done, believe me.  But in order to not drive ourselves stark raving mad, we have to start to let go of this make believe "superpower" we hope we have, and realize that the only control we truly have is to trust.  Trust in the one who has made us that He knows what is best.

Heavenly Father, thank you for always doing what is best for me, even when I get in your way.  Help  me to trust that you are always working, although I don't always see it.  Open my eyes to the opportunities that you put in my path, so that you don't have to work so hard to get through to me.  And help me to always come to you, the one who loves me more than I could ever fathom.  I pray this in faith.  Amen.

I Know How It Ends

My husband always laughs at me.  Whenever I get a new book, I read the end of it so that I know how it ends.

He can't believe that I would want to wreck a new story by finding out how it all turns out.  It would drive him nutty to know how it ends before he starts.

For me, I feel like I can handle whatever happens  at the beginning and middle, as long as I know how it all turns out. 

I still want all the details.  I love to know all of the little steps and decisions that got them to that outcome.  I just want the peace of knowing the outcome.

My chapters have brought me through many mountains and valleys, and I'd like to think that I have many more to experience.  

And some days, I really question how I'm going to get through this.  I don't know how that last little part of the chapter or story plays out, and it's hard.  It's hard to take the next step when you don't trust your feet.

I don't know who needs to hear this today, but I know how this ends.  I know who wins.  Good will prevail.  It may not be today, but at the very end, where it's important, good wins.  

And for those of us who believe in Him, who believe he took our sins, paid the ultimate price and rose again.  We know the end.  God wins. 

We know that all of these challenges and triumphs will pale in comparison to the prize we have waiting for us.

So friends, as we go about our days, I challenge you to remember that we know the end of the story.  We know that love wins.  And that is really all that you could ever ask for.

Squish the Mom Guilt

I've been spending a lot of time lately in self reflection, trying to figure out how to do it all.  Most of these inspired thoughts come between 1 and 4 AM, as I try to get my non-sleeping 3 year old back to bed.  You know, when you're completely rational and not at all stressed.

I wonder why out of my 3 kids, only 1 has slept through the night before the age of 4. 

I wonder why they all have to be so different that I feel like I have to learn how to parent all over again each time I deal with a different child.

I wonder how to fit in more work.  More housecleaning.  More decluttering.  More fitness.  More quality time.  All of those things that bombard us every day.  More.

And as I've been reflecting on my last 10 years as a wife, and 8 years as a mother, I think I may have tried it all.

And you know what's worked the best?  The one thing that has made my marriage better and my parenting more connected and relaxed?

It's something that is so very easy to push aside in the quest for the ever elusive "enough."

Taking care of me.

With the struggles of marriage, and parenting 3 incredibly diverse personalities, it seems counter-intuitive to think about me.

I realized the other night (early morning), that the times I've been a great spouse and parent all have one thing in common.  That I stop believing I have to sacrifice me to be better for them.

That when I was making the effort to get up early in the morning to exercise, I was benefitting everyone, not just myself.

I had more energy and time to get the grunt work of life done. 

I'm healthier and less like to fall sick to annoying little bugs that make their rounds.

I got to choose when I was waking up rather than always feeling annoyed to be woken up.

I had more day to day stuff done earlier, so I had more quality time to spend with my kids.  They in turn had their tanks filled, and were happier and more secure in general.

And my mental health and fitness level were both improving to the point that I was more comfortable in my own skin, which, as every wife can attest to, makes them feel more confident in pursuing their husbands.

I know I'm not the first one to point this out fellow parents, and I'm likely to fall to old habits at some times too. 

It is so easy to forget to take care of ourselves.  And it's so easy to overlook the benefits to everyone around us when we do take care of ourselves.

Please join me in remembering how happy we are, and in turn how we can pour into those around us, when we actually take the time to take time.

And I promise you, I know that getting up earlier in the morning is detestable to many of us.  That those extra minutes of sleep seem like the very thing you need the most.  And at some stages, you really do.  But maybe you can take a couple weeks to try out doing something for yourself.  Even something that seems really small, but important.

Gather Together

We have been blessed to have some friends of ours move back to town after almost a decade away.  Real friends.  It is such a huge gift in life to have real friends, isn't it?  The kind of friends who offer help and actually mean it.  Who truly care about you as a whole person.

These were actually friends of my husbands more so than mine.  They moved back to have a more stable, less frantic style of life for their family.  And it has worked.  

My husband grew up with his friend in the church, and then they both kind of wandered away.  Myself and his friends wife both had limited experience with the church growing up.  It never really fit.  I always felt a little bit less than all of the other people there, like I didn't quite fit in.

Then I met my soon to be husband, and it all changed.  We started going to bible studies, and did a marriage class at his family's church.  The church family began to adopt me.  And it fit.

Our friends never joined us at church, other than our wedding day.  And then they moved on to a totally different pace of life.

When they came back, she let me know that her youngest son was interested in going to church, and she had always told them that she would support them in whatever decision they made.  And that she was willing to go with them to church if they chose.  She was more of a spiritual person, believing as many do that doing no harm was really all that was needed.  A relationship with God wasn't really required.  

So they started to come to church with my and the kids.  I introduced her to study bibles, which I've always found much easier to understand.  We became the sounding board for her discoveries, which caused us to dig into the word more ourselves.  It caused us to discuss things that we hadn't before. 

She went from coming just to support her child, to encountering Jesus for the first time.

She was baptized recently, jumping in with both feet to this beautiful new relationship.  She has renewed my desire to dig into this relationship that all too easily falls to the wayside.  She has finally found where she fits.  And it has been so beautiful to watch.

Friends, I know that it is oh so easy to neglect spending time building our relationship with Jesus.  It feels like one of the balls that you can afford to drop.  That thinking is the result of living in a fallen world, where we are convinced that things will make is happy.  That the time spent working is time invested in acquiring all of the stuff that are supposed to fulfill us.

What would your life look like if you focussed on the people in our lives, and building relationships?  What if we purposefully gathered people together instead of gathering more items?  I think you would realize that the popular thinking isn't necessarily the right thinking.  That maybe an older, simpler lifestyle, if adopted, could be more fulfilling than you can imagine.  As the old saying states, people won't remember the colour of your couch at your passing, but they will remember the time you spent with them.  

I implore you to create a better, more caring world by refusing to participate in the hoarding of stuff.  To stop working yourself to the bone for the things that will never complete you in the way you hope they will. 

Let's spend our time gathering together to invest in memories.  We can enjoy simple, filling meals at the same time that we pour into each other. 

We can let go of the clutter that makes us feel like our houses are too messy to have guests.  We can spend less time shopping for stuff to fill our houses, and simplify.  Less time cleaning will also lead to more time spent gathering together.  And you can bless someone out of your overflow of possessions at the same time.  Isn't that a wonderful thought?

I truly believe that times like these are given to us to remind us that we have a truly loving Father who desires more for us than full closets.  He wants us to have full hearts, that can pour into others.  He wants us to have community.  He wants us to reach out to the broken, the people just like us, that need to experience the grace that we have already received.  

I don't know what your life looks like right now.  I don't know if you have an amazing group of people to share life with, or if you are desperately praying for just one person to do life with.  I do know that all of us would benefit from more time spent with our Heavenly Father.  And that having people to share our burdens and joys with are what we were designed for.  

Heavenly Father, I pray that you would open our eyes to the things we can let go of.  That you would give us opportunities to unclutter both our houses and our minds.  I pray that we would find meaningful relationships to build in to, and that we would maintain those relationships that we already have.  I pray that we would learn to give grace as freely as you do, and that you would fill our hearts to overflowing, so that we could share with others.  In faith I pray.  Amen.

In the Palm of His Hand

After last year, I was pretty shaken.  Weather events had been striking our little area for a few months, and they just weren't getting better.  It started off with winter heading straight in to summer, seeming to forget about spring altogether.

We had roads washing out.  We had creeks overflowing.  A city close to us lost their beloved fire chief to the rushing water.

Then the fires.  Oh be still my heart, the fires.  We didn't have any rain to accumulate, and so the forest floors were beyond dry.  And in came the thunder and lightning.  I have always loved a good thunderstorm.  When I was little, I would go outside and watch the storm build.  Then the lightning could no longer be held in and was unleashed over the lake.  And I'd sit there, counting the seconds until I heard the thunder. 

It kind of felt like the clouds just needed to let everything out so that they could start new.

I LOVED thunderstorms.  For 5 years in a row, when I was 12-17 years old, there was a thunderstorm on my birthday.  They had never caused any devastation in my area, so I had no reason to fear them.

Then the roads washed out.  And the fires struck and grew to unimaginable proportions.

This year is shaping up to be much the same so far.  We went straight from winter (it was still snowing a few weeks ago), straight into summer dryness and temperatures.  We haven't had a good rain since last October.

Roads are washing out.  Creeks and rivers are overflowing.  Peoples lives are being impacted in huge ways.  

And today, they are predicting storms.  I won't lie.  My heart and my head are expecting the worst.  My stress level is rising, imagining a repeat of last year.  My soul hurts to remember the devastation that began 10 short months ago.  I am already trying to prepare for the worst, even though it hasn't happened yet.

And I can feel God whispering, oh so quietly, in my ear, that He has me.  I am safe in the palm of his hand.  That I can see the beauty in the destruction.  I can choose to remember how our entire province, and a neighbouring province pulled together to help us through.  How people who had been affected by the fires in Fort McMurray 2 years ago remembered the pain they went through, and knew what we would need to get through.  How I made friends with some of these men when they answered our prayers.  And how He held all of us in the palm of His hand, both times disaster struck.

I can choose to think that these disasters did devastate, but they built at the same time.  They built our community relationships, they broke down walls.  They forced us to get to know people that we never would have otherwise.  And not just to get to know them, and the others who helped, but to remember what was truly important.  People.  Relationships.  Building memories.  

When I packed up my house last year, preparing to possibly say goodbye to my possessions, I was reminded that the people I share my house with are so much more important than the things I have packed in to it.  That the memory books we've created mean more to all of us, as I wasn't the only one storing away those precious moments.  

I don't know where you are today or what you are struggling with.  I don't know if you are preparing to possibly have your life turned upside down, or things are already all muddled up and confusing.  Maybe you have just climbed out of a pit and don't know which way to head next.  I don't know.  But what I do know is that every struggle has a blessing.  It may be hard to see at the time, but I promise you that it is there.  He is holding you in the palm of his Hand, with plans for your future that you can't even begin to fathom.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for all you have brought in to my life.  I thank you for the family and friends you have given me, and I know that those people are exactly the ones I need right now.  I thank you that I have the chance to prepare for the worst, because not everyone is given that time.  I do not want to take for granted anything that I have been given.  I lift up those who are struggling right now, that you would send them the help that they need.  That they would know that you are there, patiently waiting to show them unshakable love and peace.  In faith I pray.  Amen.

On The Outside

We spent a part of this last week at a homeschool event, which means we had to travel.  I don't know how many of you travel with small children, but I can say that travelling with my particular small children is always an adventure.

Our week started with working really hard to get some projects finished. 

Then our 8 year old German Shepherd had a stroke.  This is our 8 year old Sweetie's best friend.  He seems to be recovering okay, so far.

Then we hit the road.  The journey to our destination actually went by really fast.  We made our habitual stop an hour into our trip, stocked up on snacks, and went on our way.  We stopped again for lunch and some more books at Value Village.  And we made it to our hotel in record time.

Then the event was wonderful.  The kids were in a day camp, and got to do so many cool things.  And my friend and I got to shop for our supplies for next year, and just relax.  It was a much needed chance to recharge.

I love homeschooling.  Most days.  And I wouldn't want it any other way.  I love being there with my kids when they discover how to read.  Or follow a rabbit trail to a new passion.  It is an amazing thing to be able to teach my children how to love to learn rather than how to worry about tests.  At this age, we don't have to do tests.  

And I know that homeschooling doesn't work for every family.  Just like private schools don't fit all families, and neither to public schools.  I am only talking about what it working for my family right now, so please know I mean no offense.

We stayed another day so that we could have the chance to catch up with a few friends.  And enjoy big city shopping.  And then we started on our way home.

We stopped about halfway home to stay the night as a special treat.  For our dinner out, we chose a restaurant we hadn't been to before.  Talk about adventure.  Our waitress seemed to be having an awful night.  At least judging by our experience.  She got our drink order wrong.  Then we waited for what seemed like forever (it was actually only 45 minutes) and still didn't have our food.  When it came, it was wrong too.  And my salad was filled with gross, slimy brown lettuce.

And all I could do was try to smile.  Because my kids are learning at every opportunity.  Even the ones where I'd rather they not be watching.  You see, I wanted to give this establishment my entire opinion.  Of how, after a long day of travel, with 3 small children, 2 of whom have hidden disabilities, the last thing I needed was to have the hassle of trying to explain this to my kids.  Or to have to keep them contained in a restaurant for an extended period of time.  

You see, on the outside, I have 3 cute, healthy, energetic kids.  And on the inside, those kids have disabilities that aren't easily recognized.  Ones that make waiting and understanding things like this very difficult.  Ones that are draining.  Especially when they aren't expected.

And as I sat there, trying to paste a smile on my face to show my children that you can be nice, even in continuously trying circumstances, I wondered what I wasn't seeing on the outside for them too.  Maybe they had had a trying week too.  Maybe someone they loved was struggling with health.  Or maybe finances were a huge concern.  Maybe their kids were going through something particularly difficult.  I don't know, because on the outside, all of us adults were smiling.

I know that this was just one small blip on my radar, and that in a month I won't even remember our awful dinner experience.  But after homeschooling my kids and knowing how closely they are watching me, I do know that every day gives you new chances to make the choice to give grace, even when its hard.  I know that my kids watch my interaction with everyone from the lady ringing through our groceries, to the librarian (who is fabulous), to the man at the drive-thru at McDonalds.  And they are watching how I treat every single one of them.  

I understand that these little things may be nothing compared to what you are going through today.  Trust me, I have faced challenges so much harder than this.  I believe that we are given choices every day that will shape our tomorrow, and I feel that trying our best to be nice in both the big and the small can never hurt.  We have all been put on this planet by a loving Father, for a purpose we may not yet understand, but we have all been put here to help spread the love.

So today, I challenge you to offer a smile.  It doesn't cost any money at all, and only the slightest bit of time.  Give them grace.  Because even though they may be holding it together on the outside, you never really know what's going on inside.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for the grace that you show us, even in our darkest moments.  That you allow us to grow knowing that we are still loved, no matter what we mess up.  God, I ask that you open our hearts to those struggling around us, to just extend your love and grace to them, even when we don't want to.  Help us to remember all of the times that you have forgiven us when we are wronged by someone else.  And let us pass along your love to someone in need of it today.  In faith I pray.  Amen.

Church Like Math Class

Have you ever sat through a sermon that resonated deep down?  Maybe you've read a book like that.  Something that really spoke to your soul.  That cemented that God really does love you.  That he's still here.  Broken bits and all.  That there is an eternal hope for you.

I have had many "AHA" moments over the years in this relationship with Him.  Some have been me looking back and seeing why something had to happen.  Some looking forward, wondering how I got here.  Maybe realizing something about a relationship and what went wrong.  Or how to help someone.  

The reasons for the moments don't matter as much as us paying attention to them.  I think in the day to day it's pretty simple to get bogged down in the plethora of stuff in our lives.  The work, appointments, sports, bill paying, grocery shopping days of our lives.  The mundane. 

It makes it easy to overlook for the remarkable little things. 

Having a child ask a question that really makes you think, and helps you realize these tiny little humans are exceptional at making you slow down sometimes.

The flock of birds flying to their summer home.  How much work it is to relocate every 4-6 months.  The storms they go through in faith.  The things they must see on their journeys and what or if they ever think of those things.

The older gentleman who holds the door open for you because he feels being a gentleman is still important.  That manners matter.  And that you can still be an independent woman and appreciate small gestures of kindness and show gratitude for them.

We've really been struggling over the last decade lately with how to slow down.  How to let go of the rat race and take the time to appreciate our lives.  The little gifts we've been given, and the big.  

A little while ago in church, our pastor was talking about how to slow down.  How to let go.  And at the time, it all made so much sense.  Kind of like math class.  It always made sense when I was sitting there, listening to the teacher explain it.  Until I got home.  Then all of a sudden, it was this confusing jumble of numbers that I had no idea what to do with.

I've been told how to slow down.  I've read blog posts.  I've ordered the books (that I haven't slowed down to read.)  And I've noticed something.

If I vacuum my house every single day, it looks great.  But at the end of the day, there are still 5 people living in this house, so it doesn't stay nice for long.  So I can choose to value the illusion of clean, or I can choose to value the laughter of my kids and realize my house will one day be clean.  That day just isn't today.

I can choose to lavishly love my kids today and give them memories to look back on.  Or I can obsess about things that won't matter in the end.  Not like those memories and feelings of being cherished.  

I think we all chase this image of perfection, believing it really is attainable, if only we do a little bit more.  It isn't attainable.  Not on this side of heaven.  But what can we have then?  We can have love.  We can have laughter.  We can hold each other up when we need it.  We can love Him, and each other.  I think that's as close as we can get.  

And spotless floors and windows aren't how to do that.  Not to me anyways.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't pay your bills, or maintain your possessions or strive to better yourself.  I'm just saying that perhaps those were never meant to be at the top of the list.  

So maybe today, for a moment at least, that sermon doesn't have to fall to the wayside like those math problems.  Maybe I can pay attention long enough to have the formula last.  People first, at the top of the list.  Worry about the "stuff" later.  And worry about being perfect last, since it's not even a possibility.

May today be the day that you reach out to someone else, to slow down and value people
over possessions.  Show someone that you've been thinking of them and that they matter.  Especially that they matter.  

Heavenly Father, I thank you today for your perfection.  For showing us that we are loved without being perfect, and that we don't have to be, because you are.  That you don't expect perfection at all.  You expect growth.   You expect love.  And you give grace.  Thank you so much for your graciousness.  I pray that those who are confused or who are lonely would feel your love.  I pray that when we are seeking the unattainable instead of the love, that you would speak gently to our hearts and redirect those desires.  I pray that you would help us to value love above all else.  In faith I pray.  Amen.

When the Bad Things Happen

Our little town is hockey filled.  The season here just ended actually.   We have everything from the Timbit Teams, which are as young as 4 years old, to the senior hockey teams and puddle hockey teams.  We too have a team in our provincial hockey league, filled with young people so eager to begin their lives.

The kids on our teams contribute to the community, volunteering at events.  They fundraise for their trips.  As they get older, they mentor the younger kids.  And then they go on to adulthood, many of them continuing to contribute to the game and the community that gave them so much growing up.  They coach, they mentor, they volunteer and they put their kids into the same sport that helped to shape their lives.

Our entire country is reeling from the news of a catastrophic accident that happened earlier this month.  I don't know the exact details of how the vehicles managed to collide, and really, that's not the important part.  Lives have been permanently changed.  Or ended.

We can imagine all to easily how it would be for us if we were suffering through this.

There was a hockey team bus, filled mostly with teenagers, some who were graduating this June.  Some of them maybe a year older, maybe a year younger.  All of them teammates.  All of them family to each other. 

There were coaches, an announcer and a young woman there to assure their physical/muscular difficulties would be taken care of.  There were people who were new to the team, and others who had been there for their whole career.

And none of them will ever be the same again.  14 lives were lost of the 29 that were on the bus.  Countless family members and friends had their lives altered the exact moment those vehicles met.  An entire community has been rocked.  And our whole country grieves.

I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through right now.  But do you know what I have seen?  Love.  Tears.  People praying.  Our town, 2 entire provinces over, has a memorial to the victims, both the living and the deceased. 

The majority of us didn't even know there was a hockey team from Humboldt, much less know any of the team members.  That isn't the important part.  The important part is that our hearts are breaking right along with them, simply as human beings.  And when the bad things happen, you want to help.  Even if you can't. 

There are no words that can change what happened.  There is no possible way we can bring them back, or erase the pain that those left behind are facing.  But through our actions, we can show that we care.  That those lives, they matter.  And so we show with our actions, as small as they may seem to be.

We wore our jerseys on Thursday.  I have a little guy with a big heart, but who hates to dress up for things.  Unless there is candy involved anyways.  He didn't want to put his jersey on until I showed him the hundreds of pictures of people all over the world wearing theirs.  I explained that there was no way we could heal their hearts or bring back the loved ones, but if we could do one small thing to show them that they were loved, we needed to do it.  Those lives were important and we had to show them that we knew they were hurting, but those lives mattered.

We hug our loved ones a little bit tighter, grateful that we can.  We think of those around us, realizing how blessed we are to still have them with us.  And we show support to those that need it.  We become the helpers, just like Mr. Rogers used to say.   He is well known for a quote saying that when bad things happened when he was a little boy, his mother used to tell him to look for the helpers.  There are always helpers.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for sacrificing your one and only Son for us, so that we would know you.  I pray that all of those who are lost and hurting right now would feel your presence stronger than they have ever felt it before.  I ask that you would open our eyes to the ways we can help those around us, and to encourage our hearts to want to do those very things.  I pray that we would all begin to slow down and spend more time with people, not working for things.  And I pray that all of those affected by this would be drawn closer to you, even in the hardest moments.  In faith I pray.  Amen.

The Power You Have

As I sat in church this Easter Sunday, I was reading ahead of the specified verses for the sermon, and I discovered something new to me.

Women were the only ones to help Jesus between the crucifixion and the resurrection.  Now, this may not seem that important, because, really, how hard can it be to help someone who is no longer with us?  They had worked to gather the necessary supplies to finish the burial rituals, as this was often considered woman's work anyways.  It was the mundane that they were tasked to.  Except that in this case, it was actually supernatural. 

They worked together, as women often do.  And they surely talked about what they had just experienced.  And so I believe they just kind of put one foot in front of the other as they worked to understand what had just happened.

The men were confused about how the Saviour could have just died.  What did this mean?  Had they been wrong to follow him?  What of all of the miracles they had seen?  They knew in their hearts that He was who he said he was, so how did all of this make sense?

Jesus had told all of the disciples what was going to happen, but they still had to fight their own eyes.  They had to follow with their hearts more than anything else.

The women went to the tomb in the morning, ready to continue their work.  And found the biggest surprise so far in their lives.  It was empty.  How could that be?  What could have happened?  Had the tomb been raided?

And then a vision of angels appear, proclaiming His resurrection.  Jesus was resurrected, just as He had promised.

All of this happened in the presence of women rather than men, and I have to believe that it was that way for a reason.  That it wasn't a mistake that this was all given to the women.

I kind of got lost in my own thoughts after this, thinking about how that would have worked around 2,000 years ago.  Women weren't highly regarded.  They weren't really supposed to speak out of turn, or to bring attention to themselves.  And yet here they were, having to proclaim the news that the tomb was empty.  That they had seen angels.  And that they knew that His promise was indeed still true.

After the sermon ended, we had a baptism.  A woman who was new to our church decided to make the public commitment of a water baptism.  She had no family in our church, no best friend to welcome her through the doors.  And yet she decided to follow Jesus, and to do it in our church.

The pastor gave her a chance to share her testimony, and then he asked for some of the people to come up and pray for her.  He didn't name anyone specifically, he just asked for volunteers.

Do you know who went up to pray over her?  The women of our church.  They stepped forward in faith, much like this woman was doing, and prayed for this woman they didn't really know.  They didn't have to have to perfect words, or know her life story.  They had to say yes to God's calling and show her that she was loved.

In no way am I trying to say that women are better.  I don't believe that there is a "better" sex, as we were created different from each other for a reason.  And I think that this is one of the most beautiful parts of those differences.

We have many men in our church who are willing to pray for those who need it, or to lend a hand when someone needs help.  But by and large, it is still the women who step forward in situations like these.  I think that women were created with a special desire to follow our hearts more, and to allow us to be able to reach out to others in those times, even if its out of our comfort zone.

And I think maybe the greatest example of that was given to us in the account of those women who had to step out in faith, follow their hearts, and proclaim the resurrection of Christ.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for the gift of your Son.  I thank you that he came down to live among us, and to be your perfect example to us.  I thank you for the love that I don't have to do anything to deserve, as that price has already been paid.  I pray that you would empower me to follow my heart when I see those who need that love and grace.  I pray that I would have eyes that see people as you see them, with your perfect vision rather than my imperfect lenses.  I pray that those who are feeling lost or lonely would encounter you today.  That they would know that the sin in their lives has been taken care of and that they are worthy of you, by your awesome love along.  Thank you for all you have given to me.  In faith I pray.  Amen.

Spread the Love!

It feels as though the whole world is a little less friendly these days.  As all the groups are protesting all the other groups, and as all the politicians bash the other politicians, it's so easy to get wrapped up in spreading it around.  One little click of a button, and you can feel as though you've helped your cause.

But have you really?  Have you researched the article that you're sharing to verify it's sources?  Have you really thought about the message it's portraying? 

I don't think that there is anyone who truly doesn't know the state of our planet and the disrepair of the hearts in it.  All you have to do is turn on your TV, radio, phone, tablet or computer, and you are bombarded with the bad. 

By that little click, or that conversation over the water cooler, we choose what is important to us.  What can you do today to share the good?  Or better yet, what can you do today to add a little good to your world?

I'm not here to tell you how to use your social media accounts, I just wanted to put an idea out there.  What if instead of sharing an article protesting something, we shared an article showing how someone showed love in that same instance?  What if we made it a mission to spread the love with the awareness?

If you look hard enough, you can always find something great to share.  It could be as simple as sharing that a couple of weeks ago, there was nice man who waited while I unloaded my groceries so he could put my cart back for me.  

Or maybe there was a super long line at the grocery store, but the cashier still tried to make conversation with you.  You can almost guarantee that she's had at least one rude customer during her shift, but she's still trying.

Maybe you looked up at the sky and noticed a beautiful cloud, or a neat bird, or the sunset/sunrise was just breathtaking.

I have this little sign up on my wall that says, "What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?"  What would you have woke up to this morning if that were true?

Heavenly Father, I thank you for all of the blessings in my life.  I thank you even for the events that don't feel like blessings at the time, because I know you are working behind the scenes to help all things in my life be good.  I ask that you would be felt and heard over all of the noise in the world today.  That people would turn to you more than Google and Facebook.  That they would look around and try to make their little piece of the world a better place.  I pray that you would open the eyes of our hearts to see others as you see them.  And I thank you for loving us, even though we are broken.  In faith I pray.  Amen.

He Is Faithful

To all of the parents slogging through the trenches of raising littles, I salute you.  Or at least I would if I had the energy to lift my arms.

It's hard, isn't it, this always being on call?  It feels like we are always being pulled in 60 different directions at once, and we don't really know which way to head first.

At church this morning, we heard a message from an out of town speaker, who wanted to share his story.  He was raised in a Christian home, went to a Christian school, and as a teenager, decided sports were much more important than pursuing Jesus.  So he didn't.

Then one day, he chose to go to Thailand with Youth With a Mission.  He was going to use his basketball skills to reach out to the lost teenagers.  Except what he didn't realize was that they didn't actually like basketball.

Enter Plan B.  He met a man who spent the 70's as many spent the 70's, wearing tie dye clothes, long hair, and having an attitude of free spiritedness.  Right up until that man met Jesus.  He was never the same again.  And now he was mentoring this kid who hadn't really turned his back on the Lord, but had never really tried to get to know him either.

Plan B included going to Bible school in Asia, planting churches, learning to preach and heal, and becoming so passionate about all of these things that he stopped pursuing God again.  He was so busy pursuing others in the name of God, that he forgot to spend time just talking to God.

After a few years, he was so burnt out, he had to come back home to rest.  His body and soul were starving.

My life feels like that some days.  I get so busy trying to raise my kids up with manners and morals that I forget that I can't receive the rest He promises to all of us who are weary and burdened.

I have to stop.  I have to listen.  And I have to remember that He is faithful.  He will give me the strength to get through my days, if only I would stop trying to have all of the strength myself.

He will fill in all of the holes I will leave in my imperfection, if only I trust Him to do so.

He will help me to rest in His peace, if I could just slow down and seek him.

He is faithful.  It is us that need to be still.

So to all of my fellow parents, who feel like this part will never end, have faith that it will.  And it will be filled with children who don't need us so much anymore, and we can finally rest.  At least until they are teens.  Then just maybe, we will wish for the days that we are in the midst of right now.

But to get there, without feeling like a continual train is hitting us, we need to rely on His promises, not our own "strength".

Heavenly Father, I thank you so much for these beautiful children.  I am blessed that you have chosen to give them to me, even on the days where I feel so unprepared to have them.  I pray that you would give me wisdom and grace, each and every day.  I ask that you would fill in any gaps that I leave, as I am sure to leave them.  I pray that you would let me see them through your eyes in those hard stages, so that I would be able to show them your unshakeable love.  I pray that you would help me to rest in your when I feel weary and burdened, and that you would hold me up with your unfailing strength.  And most of all, I pray that I would know, deep down, that I am never alone.  In faith I pray.  Amen.

Just a Smile

My Facebook feed was filled with the news this morning.  No, it wasn't a national disaster, or a school shooting or anything like what we've been seeing lately. 

It was the news that our community had lost one of our "less fortunate."  

He was a simple man, with no earthly possessions.  He had no home, no bed, no vehicle.  Just his clothes, a guitar and a smile. 

And yet the news of his passing had blown up my whole feed. 

It all started when the fires forced our evacuation last summer.  This gentleman was bussed to a nearby city, and then he seemed to vanish.  Some people would say they had seen him and talked to him.  But then, even after we all made it home, he never did.  There were search committees organized to go as far as 5 hours away from us.  It was spread on the news.  And we never stopped searching. 

He was finally found, but not in the way we had hoped.

How is it possible that this one man had such an effect on our communities? 

He didn't donate thousands of dollars to those in need.  He was one of those we considered in need.  

I believe it's because, in a way,  he gave us everything he had.  He gave his time to those who wanted a friendly ear.  He had a smile for everyone who passed by.  He gave it all.

Chances are really great that whoever is reading this has no idea who I'm talking about.  But maybe you know something just like this man.  Someone who doesn't have much, and yet continues to share themselves, because that is what they can do.

And maybe we can pay tribute to them by learning from their actions.  We can give of ourselves, even if it's just to smile as everyone who passes by.  Maybe that's all they need today, is to see a friendly face.

I think sometimes we get consumed with the thought that we can't help because we don't have enough.  We are short on funds.  Or we are short on time.  Or maybe we just don't know where to begin.

Maybe, just like this beautiful soul learned, all it takes is just a smile.

I don't know what challenges you are facing today.  I do know to some of you, those challenges are going to seem insurmountable.  I know that this gentleman certainly didn't have it easy, but I do know that he managed to spread joy to those around him in the simplest of ways.  So I challenge you this week to find someone who needs nothing more than your smile, and give it to them.  It can't hurt to try.

Heavenly Father, I thank you today that I was blessed enough to have met this man, and many others like him.  I pray that he is with you now, and that he knows the incredible impact he had.  And I pray that we would be inspired to remember that your love is ever present, and that it doesn't need to be complicated or time consuming for us to show it to others.  Show us those around us that need just a smile, or maybe for someone to lend them an ear.  Open our eyes to those people, and enable us to remember that we are able to be the answer to their prayer, if only we would say yes.  In faith I pray.  Amen.

In Spite of Me

Do you ever have a moment where God really puts you in your place?  I do.

Today was one of those days.  My husband was playing drums during worship, and it was the end of church.  They always do one closing song.  I was praying for my father in law, and giving thanks for all of the blessings.  The song said something about mountains, and this feeling just slammed in to me.  I wasn't the only one who felt it either.  At exactly the same time, the worship leader reacted.

I have no idea what he was praying for.  We both tried to continue singing, neither one of us being very successful, but the congregation sang on.

It's a surreal feeling when you aren't the only one being bombarded by His love.  I didn't know how to feel that both of us were being so affected at the same time, but I was certainly glad that He made us know that he was hearing our prayers.

I feel like the more willing I am to feeling His presence, the more I can.  Does that make sense?  When I put myself to the side and concentrate on His voice, I get better and better at hearing it.  I just have to work harder at hearing it.

Then this afternoon, I was listening to my daughters paint their nails.  My oldest was treating my youngest to birthday celebration nails.  My oldest has a birthday coming up, and wants everyone to be in on the festivities.

My little is pretty fidgety, as most 3 year olds are.  Sweetie was being so patient, adding layer after layer of her own nail polish, waiting to start her nails until Munchkin's were done.

I was sitting in the other room, reading, trying to decompress from the last month.

And all of a sudden, I hear Sweetie, cheering on her sister for sitting so well, even though she knows its hard for Munchkin to sit still for very long.

There was that voice again.

It was letting me know that in spite of me, and trying to make myself responsible for everything and everyone, He's got this.  He's filling in the holes I leave behind in my imperfection.  And He's there with them as much as He is with me. 

In spite of me, He will succeed.  Not because of me.  So maybe I can let go of some of that pressure, and realize that I just have to show up and listen.

I don't know what your day was like, or what challenges you are facing.  They are probably much larger than mine.  That's okay.  He's bigger than all of it.  He's got this, and He's got you.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for all of the blessings in my life.  I thank you for my littles, and the wisdom they bring to each and every day.  I thank you for the challenges they bring, that help me to grow as a parent, even on the days where I am fighting the opportunity to grow.  I thank you that even though I'm stubborn, you are even more so.  I lift up all of those that are struggling to still their hearts and hear that small, still voice that is waiting for them.  I pray that they would hear Your voice, and feel your love like never before.  I faith I pray.  Amen.

Trust Like A Toddler

We were at church last Sunday, worshipping and singing, when I noticed something.  Now, I have had small children with me every weekend that I have been at church for my adult life.  This is what happens when you become a Christian when you get married.  Lol.

I was trying to pay attention to the songs, all while watching my 3 little bundles of energy race around, when I noticed something.  My littlest, Munchkin, was moving back and forth between the adults.  She would walk over to someone, hold her arms up, and have complete confidence that they would reach down, pick her up, and hold her safe.  Now I know, this was not a stressful situation, she was not nervous at all, but it was an eye opening moment for me anyways.

You see, I have been struggling a lot lately, trying to manage (or maybe control) my little world.  Having to organize, set-up, and research for Sweetie and her Aspergers diagnosis is a part time job these days.  Trying to pay the right amount of attention to my Little Dude, who has struggles of his own, not including being a boy who is always surrounded by girls.  And my Munchkin, who is in the midst of potty training.

After a particularly exhausting adventurous weekend, wherein my Dude attempted to cook breakfast for us as a surprise, but mostly just managed to burn flour and eggs to a cookie sheet on top of my stove, then discovered that Pam spray on the floor made a great skating rink, my SUV had an electrical fire, and my Munchkin made her own skating rink in the bathroom with all of the liquids she could get her sweet little hands on, I was done.

I walked in to church, dropped my kids off with my in laws, and walked out crying.  I couldn't do it.  I was never going to be enough for all of these little people.  God must have made a mistake when he decided to give me these little bundles of joy, because I was in no way equipped to do this whole mothering thing.  I was failing miserably.  I mean, who ignores their children so much that they can get in to so much trouble in just a couple days?!?  Why weren't the Child Services people knocking on my door right now?

I was a mess.  My sister in law came downstairs and prayed for me, and told me that I was the perfect Mom for these kids, even if I didn't feel like it.  God doesn't make mistakes, including making my family. 

And then she proceeded to tell me how jealous she was of me as a mother.  I was always taking my kids to cool places, giving them memorable experiences.  I was homeschooling them so that I could pour everything I had in to their little lives.  I worked from home, and worked part time outside the home while managing to do all of this. From the outside looking in, she couldn't believe that I could do all of this, and keep it up as long as I had.  And that she had always wanted to be that kind of Mom, but just never managed to.  It struck me as kind of ironic that someone who I considered to be an amazing mother would be jealous of me, especially when I usually feel like such a mess.

I told her how I loved that she has great relationships with her kids, and that she knows all of their friends.  She's one of those cool Mom's that her kids like to be around.  Mine are just stuck with me.  Lol.

We prayed, I fixed my face, and then I went back upstairs.  My littles decided that they didn't want to do church any more that day, and I just didn't have any energy left to fight them to stay, so we went home.

And then the next weekend, I watched my little girl, go from family member, to friend and back again, completely confident that they had her.  And it dawned on me.  I wasn't enough.  But I was never supposed to be.  I was supposed to reach my arms up to my heavenly Father, and trust that he had me.  Because he does have me.  All day, every day, even when I feel like an abysmal failure.

In the midst of all my mothering angst, my 3 year old already had it figured out.  When I need Him most, I just have to seek Him and it will all work out.  My job is to lean on the Father who will always pick me up, not to carry the world on my shoulders and feel defeated when I can't hold it all up.

I have decided that the weekend where I felt so destroyed by my life, I will choose to view as a triumph.  I loved my kids, and hugged them.  Then I cleaned the floors, my husband fixed my truck, and we moved forward.  We didn't stay in the hard days, or dwell on them.  We triumphed over them, because we kept going, and chose to learn from those moments. 

I took pictures of the mess, before we cleaned, so that I can look back on these days and remember these little moments, that one day, will be treasured memories.

And then the next weekend, God chose to show me that he was there, in it all.

I don't know what you are facing today, but I do know that He has a plan.  And it's a good plan, even if it feels more like a valley than a beautiful mountain view right now.  And that there is someone who is looking at your life, thinking about how amazing you are, and how they wish that they had a quality you don't even remember you have.  I know that some days, it feels like no matter how much you give, it will never be enough.  So on those days, remember you are enough, and that you are here on purpose, for a purpose.  A purpose so much bigger than you can even fathom.  Think of my little girl, holding her arms up, knowing she will be held, and know that you can have that same thing, if only you trust and ask.

Heavenly Father, I pray that you would hold close those who are feeling defeated right now.  I pray that you would bring people in to their lives that will lift them up to you, and will let them know that they don't have to be perfect.  They only need to be who you created them to be, and to strive to be better than they were before, not perfect, just better.  Or at least trying to be better, even on those days when you feel less.  I pray your wisdom and discernment over parents, and I pray that you would help us to give grace to our children, just as you show us grace.  I pray that we would have the same trust as my toddler.  And I thank you for granting me the ability to breathe life into these littles.  In faith I pray.  Amen.

Facebook Perfect Lives

I started out my morning pretty happy.  I got snuggles from my toddler, my oldest came in to say good morning and get a hug. 

Then my Dude came in and explained to me that he "didn't drop it, there was just too much gravity."  He never did explain to me what exactly he didn't drop...  I suppose I'll find that out later.

We went to work, and then went to get hair cuts, and grab a few groceries.  We visited with a bunch of friends inside, wandered around for awhile, and found our treasures.

All in all, it started out better than any of the other days this week.

On our way out of the store, I saw something that simply broke my heart. 

It was a girl I'd known in high school. You know, those girls that always seemed so picture perfect.  Makeup always flawlessly applied, newest in-style clothes, perpetually surrounded by friends, and always had plans for the weekend.  I haven't seen her very much since high school, and we never did run in the same circles, but it always seemed like she had this fabulous life.

Until today.  And most likely for a long time before today.  I think something tragic happened somewhere between those high school days and what I saw today.

You see, huddled on the curb of the store, her little girl curled into her, sat this woman.  And she was having a pretty intense day.  The man crouched in front of her, right in her face, threatening to her in a low voice, trying to make it seem as though they were just having a conversation.  Except I could see the fear in her eyes, and the way that her hands were nervously  picking at her arms, wanting desperately to be anywhere but where she was, but not able to get out.  And the poor little girl with questions in her eyes that no child should ever have.

It broke my heart.  Actually, it's still breaking my heart.  That she feels like she has nowhere to go.  That this little girl has to question her safety as if its part of her day.  That this barbarian feels that he has a right to do this to them.  And I'm not saying this the woman can't be the aggressor in the relationship.  But that wasn't the case today.  He was the one in her face, making threats, talking about taking away all the money and her car, not letting her get away.  He was the one that wouldn't move when she asked.  He was the one trapping that innocent little girl beside her mother, forcing her to listen to all of this.

I tried to make eye contact with her, at least to let her know that someone was there, but she was looking down at the ground, trying not to make eye contact with anyone.  I moved down the sidewalk a little, with all three of my littles in tow, and pretended that I was waiting for a ride.  Not directly beside them, so that my kids would notice what was going on, but close enough that I could try to help if things escalated.

I didn't want to interrupt them, partially because I had no way of predicting what would happen to my kids if I did, but also because I know what it's like to be her.  And my pretending to help her to make myself feel better may very well work great for me, but she may pay for it later.  And what right do I have to try to make myself feel better, or to make this about me?  That doesn't help anyone.

I wanted to tell her that she is worth so much more than what he has made her to believe.  That her journey doesn't need to end here.  That she is enough, exactly as she is.  That he needs help, they both do, but that she cannot fix him, no matter how hard she tries.

So I stood there, listening to their "conversation", with her saying that she couldn't trust him anymore, that he had hurt her one too many times, that he had no write to hurt her physically, that their daughter wasn't safe with him, and she just couldn't do it anymore.  She would find somewhere to move to.

And I watched person after person walk by.  None of them even looked down at them.  I waited a good 5-10 minutes, shaking in anger and fear for this poor woman and child, and no one else even noticed.  I was getting ready to put my babies in my truck, drive it over to where I could lock them safely in, and then maybe I could do something.  Anything.  I couldn't just stand there and let this woman think that no one would help her.

After awhile, a store manager was walking in to start his shift, and I motioned him over.  He looked at me funny, and was going to keep walking.  I motioned a little bit more convincingly, and he finally came over.  I pointed to where they were, and told him that his store was on the brink of having some major domestic drama unfolding and at last, someone else noticed.  I told him that I had been standing there for quite some time, hearing a lot of threats, swearing, and tears.

He walked over to where they were, and just stood there.  He didn't say anything.  He simply took his phone from his pocket, ready to dial if he needed to.  But I am absolutely positive that if I hadn't drawn his attention to it, he too would have walked right by.  They all walked into the store a minute or two later.  I don't know what happened after that.  I can imagine, but those images will keep me from sleeping tonight.

No one seems to really want to get involved in other people's lives anymore.  We're all scared that something bad is going to happen if we help, so we stand by and do nothing.  I'm not saying that we need to put ourselves or those that we love in the line of fire.  But there has to be someone that lets those who are being abused know that there is help out there.  That someone does care, that they are worth it, their lives are in danger, and there is a way out.  There are people who will help them.

We can sign petitions, we can share Facebook posts about things, but until we actually stand up for what we believe in, and take action, we are nothing but keyboard warriors.  And I don't know about you, but my keyboard doesn't have the power to save those lives.

If you have a friend who is struggling, or you suspect that something is going wrong in their life, stick close.  Help them.  Be available to them.  When you are the victim of abuse, any kind of abuse, you begin to doubt that you are worth saving, or that there are people out there who can save you.  You don't want to put others at risk because you made bad decisions, and if you ask them for help, they may be in physical danger for helping you, so you just don't ask.  You keep waking up each day, wondering if today is finally going to be the day that ends it.  Or if someone is going to notice that those "walls" or "doors" or "stairs" keep leaving you bruised and battered more and more often.  You're terrified to leave, but terrified to stay.

I looked at this woman's Facebook profile when I got home.  And it shows all of these perfect pictures.  Family vacations.  Holidays where everything looks amazing.  She has a photo of her, her husband, and both of their kids cuddled up and smiling. 

She is one of the many that has one of those Facebook perfect lives.  And if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I would have believed she really did have that perfect life she's always seemed to have.

I pray that if you find yourself in a situation that makes you fear for your life, you will have the courage to ask for help.  If you are in a relationship and find yourself turning into someone you can't stand to see in the mirror, I pray you find the courage to ask for help.  If the person you are with is making you feel as if your sanity is disappearing, ask for help.  No relationship should turn people into victims or aggressors.  And no society should turn a blind eye to it.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for loving me, even when I didn't feel very lovable.  I thank you for bringing good people into my life, people who are always there for me, even when things go horribly wrong.  I thank you for my family, even on the imperfect days, the ones where we are like sandpaper, rubbing off those rough spots.  I thank you that my kids were able to be oblivious to the heartache today, that they didn't have to lose that part of their innocence today.  Father, I lift up all of those who are struggling in their relationships.  I pray that you would speak to their hearts, that you would be a presence in their lives.  I ask that hearts would be changed, that anger would be broken, and that wisdom and peace would guide their actions, not insecurity and pride.  I pray that all of those who are fearing for their lives would have an angel show up today, before it's too late.  I pray that those who are called to help, would step out of their comfort zones and say yes to that call.  And most of all, I pray that we could end this cycle, of abuse and of turning a blind eye.  Help us to be people that care. Help us to be people of action. Amen.

Here are some links if you or someone you know needs to reach out:

National Domestic Violence Hotline

The Assaulted Women's Hotline

Crisis Hotlines

Ending Violence Association of Canada

Domestic Abuse Services

Healthlink BC

Government of Canada Abuse Help