It's The Little Things

As I sit hear, listening to the birds chirping outside, I am realizing how fast time really does go by.  We aren't meant to be a part of this world forever, but we are here for our own, uniquely beautiful mission. 

I can't honestly say that I've figured out exactly what my mission is.  I am a Momma to 3 beautiful, healthy kids, so it's pretty safe to say that at least part of my journey is to nourish their souls and help them to love God. 

I homeschool them, so it's pretty intense some days.  I can't help but think that part of His plan is to use my kids to refine me.  And some days, I really do hate that part.  It is so humbling to have to look into those little eyes and say that you aren't perfect.  But it is such a great lesson to them, that no matter what, there is someone there who is going to love them unconditionally, but who is indeed still a work in progress.

I remember when I was young wanting to do something so big.  I wanted to cure cancer, or save the oceans.  Then I decided I wanted to go into medicine and just help people.  None of these dreams came true. 

And that's great.  Weird how that happens, isn't it? 

Don't get me wrong, all of those dreams are great things.  We need a definitive cure for all cancers.  Our oceans do need help.  There are never enough nurses or doctors.  And since none of those dreams came true, it made room for my dream of having a family.

It made room for me to get to know God.  To learn that His plan is so much better than mine, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.  I've had a bumpy path to where I am now.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

In this last decade, I have met and married the man I love.  I have changed careers.  I have helped to build my husband's business.  We have had 4 pregnancies, and got to hold 3 of our children.  I have gained family, and lost some of them too.    I have watched my babies laugh their first laugh and take their first steps. I have gotten to teach my children and watch their eyes light up as they begin to understand concepts. 

I have also lost someone I loved dearly to depression.  I have buried several family members.  I have fought hard for my marriage.  I have mourned the loss of a baby before I even got to meet them.  I've battled to forgive those that have wronged me, and to begin to pray for them. 

And it has all flown by.  I am excited to see what the future is bringing to us.  And thankful for everything the last 10 years taught us.  It hasn't been easy, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

You don't necessarily realize it when it's happening, but all the little beautiful moments become the most amazing memories.  It isn't the grand gestures that make the difference, it's the little things.

Whatever is happening in your life right now, I encourage you to turn to Him.  He really is a rock that you can cling to in times of trouble, and He deserves our praise when things go right.  I want to remember to come to him not only when things go wrong, but also when they go right.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for walking beside us, no matter where we are.  I am so grateful for the blessings you have bestowed on me, and that you have never required me to deserve them.  That you would sacrifice your one and only child for us.  Please help me to seek you in my everyday.  Let all that I do be done in love and grace.  In your name.  Amen.

Confessions!

Okay, so I am a little behind on the launch team posting for Karen Ehman's Listen, Love, Repeat.  Sorry!  We went on vacation and then came home to a broken furnace (I live in central BC, Canada, and its October people!), and I homeschool, so life has been about the basics these last 2 weeks.

I posted about Chapter 6 earlier, and then finally put my baby to bed and sat down to read Chapter 7: The Lonely and Unloved.  Ohmygoodness.  The tears!

She gives us this lovely example of how she has chosen to open her home to all of those around her, and the difference it has made in the lives of others.  She is known as "Mama Karen" to many of her kids' friends.  She tells us of one who even thinks of her house as his. 

I have my own special Mama. Mama Cyr.  She is an amazing woman.  She is so quiet, but so strong.  Her life story is a true testament to living a Christ centered life.  And the most amazing part of the story, to me anyways, is that she loved me before she even really knew me.  You see, I worked with her, well, let's say in my youth.  Goodness, it's been a long time since I was a youth.  I used to work at a local bar during the night, and with her at a grocery store during the day.  I wasn't really living a Christ filled life.  Kind of the opposite.  And rather than judge me, or scold me, do you know what she did?  She prayed for me.  She prayed that I would find a Godly husband.  That I would find Jesus.  That I would find me. 

She didn't even know me.

And over 10 years later, when I walked in to her church, do you know what she did?  She welcomed me.  She gave me a great big hug.  She continued to love me.

It makes me cry just to think about it.  I don't know where I would be without her prayers.  I certainly didn't have many people praying I would find Jesus at that particular time in my life.  I didn't even know she was praying for me.  Such a little thing that had such a huge impact.

Such a beautiful spirit who saw someone struggling to belong, to find who she truly was.  Someone who knelt down to lift me up.

To those of us lucky enough to have someone that beautiful in our lives, you know the gift that they truly are.  To those who have had that experience, can you think of someone you could reach out to today? 

To those who are waiting, I believe that God is faithful.  He is good.  He has plans for you that are truly beyond your imagination.  I am living, breathing proof of that.  Could I pray for you now?

Heavenly Father, I thank you for all the blessings that you have given me.  Even the ones that I don't know about.  I thank you for the challenges that have brought me to today.  I pray for all the people who are struggling right now.  I pray your peace, wisdom and protection over them.  I pray that they would feel your living arms envelop them, Lord.  That they would know your presence.  Lord, that you would put someone so directly in their path that they could not help but know that it is You, and that you love them.  Right where they are.  No matter what they have done.  They are worthy of love.  They are valuable.  And I pray that you would give us a heart to see those hurting around us Lord, and to help us to know what to do to ease the burden.  In Your powerful name I pray.  Amen.

A Call NOT to Judge

With so many things happening in our lives right now, with friends, with celebrities and with the world at large, there sure are a LOT of people who feel they have been called to judge and jury.

Now, once again, I am not saying I am perfect.  I am just as guilty as the person next to me, I'm sure.  But being just as guilty doesn't actually make it alright.  Doing what the person next to me is doing, and justifying my actions by believing that if the masses are doing it, it must be okay?  How did we get here? 

I have been a part of many conversations that made me feel like I was doing great in life, because at least I was/wasn't doing something that someone else was doing.  But I'm called to be me.  And to be a better me than I was yesterday.  I wasn't called to be better at my life than Sally is at hers.  I wasn't called to judge her and her abilities to be her.  She was called to be Sally.  I wasn't.  And just a note, I don't actually know "Sally".  That's why I chose that name.

With Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts galore, it is so easy to put our best selves forward.  But those certainly our full stories.  They don't always include our less than "pinterest perfect" moments.  Those moments we loose our cool.  Those moments we judge others as less than ourselves.  Those moments where we fail our friends because we are more concerned about beating Sally.  You know, those moments where we are merely human.  Less than perfect, work in progress, human.

And so I am writing this as a call for us to lift others up.  You know that marriage that you know is failing?  The one where you "think" you know all the details, but you can't.  That one with a lot of hurting people?  What about lifting them up in prayer?  What about offering to make a meal so that they can go to counselling?  What about pointing out all of the things that they have going for them as a couple?  What about reminding them of the good times that are so easily forgotten in the face of turmoil?  What if we could be there to hold them when they cry without taking those details to others?

For that challenging kid you know, what about speaking truth into their life?  What about taking a few minutes to show them you care?  Or that you understand?  What if you could share a part of your struggles with them that would make them feel less alone?  Or what if you could just show them unconditional love? 

That cashier/customer service person/other driver on the road?  Maybe they've just gone through something unimaginable.  Maybe they just need a kind word and a smile today.  Maybe you could be the person that can do that for them.  Or maybe the best you can do is just not be another nail in the coffin of their bad day and keep your mouth shut (a la Bambi's mom "if you can't say anything nice..."). 

Maybe some days seem like they are truly a gift from God.  Maybe everything is going perfectly for you now.  Maybe you forgot to count your blessings last night before you went to bed.  Or maybe you didn't.  The great days are part of what keeps us going on those not so great days.  Cherish them. 

We are all struggling in this world.    Every single one of us.  Not all on the same day.  On that day you aren't struggling, you have a unique ability to not be staring at others through hurt.  Do something with that.  And if you are that hurt person, never forget that no matter how bad it may seem now, there is someone, somewhere who is struggling to take their last breath.  Thinking about all of those could haves, should haves, and would haves that can no longer be changed.

So maybe, rather than worrying about Sally, maybe we should help her.  Or Joe.  Or Jane.  Or someone whose name you don't even know yet.  Maybe you'll be the one to change their entire world.  And maybe you won't even know it. 

My Miscarriage Journey

So, most of you have probably noticed that it has been FOREVER since I last posted.  And I have some amazing reasons why.  The first reason is truly a blessing.  We found out that we were expecting our third child at the end of November. 




I was shocked.  I have mentioned before that I am a planner, and while we knew this was certainly a possibility, after 7 months of trying, I had kind of made peace with only having two children.  I had started cleaning out baby stuff.  I had even given away my maternity clothes.




God laughs at our plans, right?




So, I took December off to enjoy my couch and prepare as best as I was able to for Christmas.  Morning sickness is a term I am a little over familiar with.  And mine sticks around pretty much all waking hours.  I managed to lose 10 lbs before New Years.




And on January 3, we went for an ultrasound to get a birthday for our new addition. 




And this is where it all went horribly wrong.




You see, we went in expecting to see what every parent expects to see during that ultrasound.  A baby.  Only we never got to see our little miracle.  The ultrasound tech said that she couldn't find a baby.  She said it matter of factly, like it was ok.  But it wasn't.  I was sick.  I was tired all the time.  I was pregnant dammit.  Where was my baby?




She consulted with the radiologist, leaving us alone in the room.  She came back and did an internal ultrasound.  Then she left again.  And when she came back, she said that there was no baby.  There never was a baby.  These things happen.  You are free to go home and follow up with your family Dr. on Monday.




Pardon me?




We went home, shocked that this had happened.  We didn't know what to think, or how to feel.  We didn't know what comes next.  We just knew that our little miracle...wasn't.




I spent the evening telling our friends and family that we were no longer expecting, hugging my babies (thank God I already had two kids to go home to hug, I can't imagine going home with empty arms), and looking on Google to find out what had just happened.




It's called a blighted ovum, which basically means that when sperm met egg, a placenta, etc., was formed, but something went wrong with the chromosomes, so a baby never actually formed.  My body was still receiving signals from the placenta that I was pregnant, so it was trucking along just as misinformed as I was.  They think that this is actually the most common type of miscarriage.  They say as many as 1 in 4 pregnancies are miscarriages.  Most happen within the first 5 weeks of pregnancy, often before a pregnancy is even suspected.


This left us with 3 options.  I could wait until my body clued in, and I miscarried "naturally".   Since that can take anywhere up to 3 weeks or more, I really didn't want to let nature take its course and torture me in the process.  My hubby agreed, stating that I was going to be heartbroken no matter what, and waiting would just be torture and delay the healing process.




I could take some pills that would cause the "natural" process happen faster, but this would be painful, messy and just seemed like so much more than I could bear. 




Or, I could have a surgery where they would knock me out, remove everything from my uterus, and after 3-7 days, my body would be back to normal.  I think my heart is going to take a LOT longer.


The process was really quite simple, and was the right choice for me.  I do not judge anyone who has made a different decision, as it is a very personal decision.  Only you can decide which option will help you start the grieving process.  I went in to the hospital, they did one final round of blood work, then I waited for an OR to open up.  I was in the operating room for about 30 minutes, although awake for only about 5 of those.  Then I woke up in recovery, waited until I was stable and awake enough to get dressed, then I got to go home.


I went home, hugged my babies, ate a full dinner (for the first time in 6 weeks!), and cuddled with my hubby.  I was in no real physical pain at all. 


The specialist who did my surgery said that she always sends the tissue away just to be sure.  Since I have already had two healthy babies, she is quite certain that there is nothing wrong with either one of us and doesn't really expect any results from the tests.  But she sends it away because the more research they do, the more answers they will have so that maybe they can do something in the future.  It helps to think that maybe I can help someone else not have to go through this.


If you are reading this trying to figure out what is happening to you, know that you will get through it.  5 minutes at a time, one foot in front of the other.