Love In The Ashes

Fire is scary. And unpredictable. And can consume everything in its path with no rhyme or reason as to where it chooses to go. We witnessed that first hand this summer. 

Life is slowly beginning to go back to normal. Or at least as normal as it can. We still have days that are hazy with smoke. We still have to remind ourselves that those clouds are really just clouds, not another massive fire ready to come over the mountain again. 

Some days, it feels like life is safe again. To be completely honest, this whole ordeal has affected me more than I ever would have imagined. 

I have avoided taking my kids to see the destruction, striving to protect them from the images when things were still so uncertain. I didn't want them to have those pictures in their heads when it still felt like we were living in the thick of it. 

Now that the smoke is almost gone, and the gorgeous colours of fall are appearing, I thought it might be cathartic to give the kids cameras and go hunting for the life rising from the ashes. 

As we drove down the road from our house, we talked about how this summer is a perfect example of how life is sometimes. I told the kids that at some point in their lives, you're going to face hard times. How it's going to feel like you're never going to see the light at the end of the tunnel and how it's going to feel like they're all alone. They're going to wonder if God has abandoned them. 

So this afternoon we went looking for the life that comes after the hard. I challenged the kids to find the most beautiful green thing that they could amongst the ashes.

As we walked through the devastated forest, we were all excited to see the grass in the bushes and the trees returning to green from the roots. The kids explored, touching the bark on the trees and finding the holes left by the burning tree roots.

I told them that this summer we all walked through something really really hard. And the hard in life is going to happen again so I wanted them to have pictures in their minds from today to remember. That what we saw today was going to be their example that His love is even in the ashes. That seeing the green today would remind them that He has a plan. And that if they can trust Him to walk through it with them, at the end they'll see green too.

We talked about how we all came out of this stronger. And more sure of His love. 

After we got home, I looked over all the pictures we had taken that afternoon, and my beautiful, soft-hearted little boy somehow managed to find this.  Love in the ashes.

I don't know what it is that you're facing right now.  I do know that you are not alone.  You are loved.  You are enough.  And if you can find a little hope, you will get through this.

Blessings in the Ordinary

Today wasn't a very spectacular day.  I heard my kids get up and chat away this morning.  I heard them head upstairs for their breakfast.  And get sidetracked by all their toys. 

It was a day like every other day.  A day full of blessings.

I got out of bed and got dressed just like every other day.  My body hurt, but that's pretty normal.  I have friends who are in so much pain that the simple act of getting out of bed, and making it to get dressed are monumental tasks.  It's one of those things that we can take for granted, forgetting other people are praying for that simple little daily task.

I got my baby out of her crib to get her dressed for her day.  The third baby that I've gotten to hold this side of heaven.  I get to do that.  Every day. 

I went to church without any worry of persecution for my beliefs.  Because I am blessed to live in a country where that freedom is protected.

I had the chance to check in with some family.  And watch my baby boy show love to his Aunt, who is struggling right now.  We are blessed to live close to family, and we are equally blessed that they allow us to walk through life with them.  Struggles and all.

I met my husband at his work for lunch.  Because when you own your own business, work isn't 9-5 Monday to Friday.  It isn't even 8 hour shifts 5 days a week.  It's been 7 days a week since May.  But he has work.  He is able to provide for us.  Something millions of people all over the world can only dream about tonight.

I came home to my house that has electricity, appliances, furniture and clothing.  Because again, I am blessed.  I don't have to worry that my electricity is going to be turned off because I had to choose food over light.  All those dishes in my sink?  They mean that my family has regular food, and I have the privilege of washing my dishes in a kitchen.  With hot water.  Something those of us in a first world country take for granted almost every single day.

I got to watch my girls play outside today.  My beautiful, amazing 6 year old girl, splashing in the baby pool with her little sister.  Watching their faces light up when they discovered something new.  Or when I got to watch my baby run over to her big sister, and big sister's face glowed with love.

There are so many more things I could mention.  But I think I've made my point. 

You have a choice every single day to wake up and look for the good.  And the more you look, the easier it becomes to find.  There are people living in your neighbourhood praying for what you take for granted.  And I don't mean to downplay those bad days.  We all have them.  But if today is the worst day of your life, doesn't that mean tomorrow can only be better?

Today I choose joy.

If you have a prayer request, I would love to lift you up in prayer.  Leave a comment, and I will be praying for you!

Appreciate Your Tribe

I am blessed to be surrounded by a diverse group of people who all love and support me. And it has really been at the forefront of my thoughts lately what a great gift this is.

I have mentioned before my immediate and extended family.  And some friends that have stuck by me through thick and thin.

Lately I've been thinking about my Mom's group.  I have taken over leadership of the group after a friend and her family relocated. I feel so uncomfortable calling myself a leader. If you knew me, you would understand that for me, any group larger than 2 (me and one other person) is a challenge.  I don't do well in groups.  I actually spend most of my time in my house avoiding groups of people.  And yet I was called to do just that. I think God laughs at my plans once again.

The funny thing?  It's forcing me to grow in ways I never thought I would.  I now pray for people in front of a group of people. Talk about uncomfortable. My prayer life has always been a very private thing for me.  God and me.  That makes 2. Pretty much my limit.

I lead discussions. Me. The one who almost never spoke during the weekly discussions before, even though I've been a part of this group for almost 4 years now.  And now I'm usually the first to go. Mainly because everyone else waits for me to start...but I do it!

And these women are so different. Growing up in different provinces and countries.  Different decades. Different everything. And yet they show up week after week, to do life with me. They offer me advice and perspectives before that I've never considered. They are my tribe, and for better or worse, they are there for each other. Through child rearing debacles, sickness, marital discord, family issues.  And we don't always see eye to eye.  Really, when you get a group of women together, how often do they all truly agree?  But I hope I can continue the pattern of respect, openness and support that was started by my predecessor.  And that God would help me to add even a portion to these women's lives as they have given me.

I don't know if you have a tribe. Maybe you have the perfect mix of support in your life.  Maybe you're struggling to connect on a deeper level.  I pray that He would bring in women who will have your back.  Who will challenge you to grow, even when you don't want to.  And who will show you grace and acceptance no matter what.

My Miscarriage Journey

So, most of you have probably noticed that it has been FOREVER since I last posted.  And I have some amazing reasons why.  The first reason is truly a blessing.  We found out that we were expecting our third child at the end of November. 




I was shocked.  I have mentioned before that I am a planner, and while we knew this was certainly a possibility, after 7 months of trying, I had kind of made peace with only having two children.  I had started cleaning out baby stuff.  I had even given away my maternity clothes.




God laughs at our plans, right?




So, I took December off to enjoy my couch and prepare as best as I was able to for Christmas.  Morning sickness is a term I am a little over familiar with.  And mine sticks around pretty much all waking hours.  I managed to lose 10 lbs before New Years.




And on January 3, we went for an ultrasound to get a birthday for our new addition. 




And this is where it all went horribly wrong.




You see, we went in expecting to see what every parent expects to see during that ultrasound.  A baby.  Only we never got to see our little miracle.  The ultrasound tech said that she couldn't find a baby.  She said it matter of factly, like it was ok.  But it wasn't.  I was sick.  I was tired all the time.  I was pregnant dammit.  Where was my baby?




She consulted with the radiologist, leaving us alone in the room.  She came back and did an internal ultrasound.  Then she left again.  And when she came back, she said that there was no baby.  There never was a baby.  These things happen.  You are free to go home and follow up with your family Dr. on Monday.




Pardon me?




We went home, shocked that this had happened.  We didn't know what to think, or how to feel.  We didn't know what comes next.  We just knew that our little miracle...wasn't.




I spent the evening telling our friends and family that we were no longer expecting, hugging my babies (thank God I already had two kids to go home to hug, I can't imagine going home with empty arms), and looking on Google to find out what had just happened.




It's called a blighted ovum, which basically means that when sperm met egg, a placenta, etc., was formed, but something went wrong with the chromosomes, so a baby never actually formed.  My body was still receiving signals from the placenta that I was pregnant, so it was trucking along just as misinformed as I was.  They think that this is actually the most common type of miscarriage.  They say as many as 1 in 4 pregnancies are miscarriages.  Most happen within the first 5 weeks of pregnancy, often before a pregnancy is even suspected.


This left us with 3 options.  I could wait until my body clued in, and I miscarried "naturally".   Since that can take anywhere up to 3 weeks or more, I really didn't want to let nature take its course and torture me in the process.  My hubby agreed, stating that I was going to be heartbroken no matter what, and waiting would just be torture and delay the healing process.




I could take some pills that would cause the "natural" process happen faster, but this would be painful, messy and just seemed like so much more than I could bear. 




Or, I could have a surgery where they would knock me out, remove everything from my uterus, and after 3-7 days, my body would be back to normal.  I think my heart is going to take a LOT longer.


The process was really quite simple, and was the right choice for me.  I do not judge anyone who has made a different decision, as it is a very personal decision.  Only you can decide which option will help you start the grieving process.  I went in to the hospital, they did one final round of blood work, then I waited for an OR to open up.  I was in the operating room for about 30 minutes, although awake for only about 5 of those.  Then I woke up in recovery, waited until I was stable and awake enough to get dressed, then I got to go home.


I went home, hugged my babies, ate a full dinner (for the first time in 6 weeks!), and cuddled with my hubby.  I was in no real physical pain at all. 


The specialist who did my surgery said that she always sends the tissue away just to be sure.  Since I have already had two healthy babies, she is quite certain that there is nothing wrong with either one of us and doesn't really expect any results from the tests.  But she sends it away because the more research they do, the more answers they will have so that maybe they can do something in the future.  It helps to think that maybe I can help someone else not have to go through this.


If you are reading this trying to figure out what is happening to you, know that you will get through it.  5 minutes at a time, one foot in front of the other.